9/11, UFO’s, the moon landing, t-pac’s death all conspiracy theories sold to the public in various ways but one which I think is the most dangerous to our society and the most abused is the conspiracy of love.
I’ve been described as a negative person with a pessimistic outlook on life which wouldn’t be a lie but you see I wasn’t always this way…..
It all began when a man came into my life and lured me into a false sense of security on love, to then leave filling my life with cynicism. He was a wicked man who preached the power of love through his truthful depictions of life but he forgot to tell me something crucial which would of saved me from years pondering which was that all of it was a lie. Screw you Nicholas Sparks, screw you.
The recipe to a Nicholas Sparks film has the following three ingredients; a large scope of ridiculously good looking love interests, a splash of death and a heap of bullshit. The leading characters lock eyes in a crowded place and just can’t help themselves to fall madly in love with each other. The only thing that can either bring them together or disrupt this new found love is the news of a death and each story is presented to us in an idealistic world where love trumps all, usually somewhere near a beach or a lake of some sorts. Oh and there’s a kissing scene in the rain, that’s just standard.
Dear John – we live in the 21st century so even if John (Channing Tatum) was so heartbroken to leave surely he would of wrote emails, far more efficient and quicker. But then this leaves the question of how many xxx’s does he put at the end of his letters? One is a bit too informal and he doesn’t want to seem too needy and put like five, but then again we are talking about a Nicholas Sparks film where all characters feel the need to tell each other every single feeling that they’re dealing with, so my guess would be that john’s xx’s would be in the 5-10 range.
The Last Song – the fact that Ronnie (Miley Cyrus’s character) would even get a boyfriend in the first place is laughable because she doesn’t even crack a smile untill three quarters of the way into the film. If you saw Ronnie sulking around a shop or sitting on a beach with one frown away from killing herself the first thing to come to mind would definitely not be “she looks like a fun date”. No, you would be like cheer up hen you’ve only gone and got yourself into one of the best universities in the world and if that didn’t work I’d offer her some of my Prozac. Oh you’ve got daddy issues Ronnie? Boo freaking hoo, join the club we meet every tuesday. I felt sorry for Liam Hemsworth’s character having to take her on a date, frankly I’d have more fun at funeral.
Safe Haven – this one I can’t stand just for the sheer fact that this concept was a complete rip off of ‘sleeping with enemy’ where Julia Roberts did a much better job of it. But again we see another man dealing with some issue which makes him so sensitive and attentive to the woman’s needs and desires that the only place she feels safe is in his arms. BLEUH. Josh Duhamel’s character Alex is a widowed father of two therefore the idea of him even having the time to find some other partner seems slightly odd. Being a single father he has to care solely for his two kids which means he would be working pretty much every opportunity he gets to provide a living for those children. Education in america is not cheap and I don’t think owning your own convenience store in the middle of some hick town can be too lucrative, just saying. So having to chase around after some ‘mysterious’ new resident in town who is paranoid about anyone knowing her whereabouts would be exhausting and just not worth in my mind. The fact of the matter is he would of been better off leaving her alone as his only source of income, being that lucrative convenience store, would not have burned down. Jokes on you Alex, jokes on you.
The Notebook – this is the most ridiculous and the source of all my agony. Seriously I don’t know where to begin here, you might as well call bullshit on the whole thing. Ryan Gosling’s character Noah, who keeping in mind you’ve only just locked eyes with at a fun fair, decides to climb up a moving ferris wheel to get your attention – that right there my friends is the first sign of someone with attachment issues. He writes to you every day for a year, even if Allie had received them which he thinks is the case surely you’d get the message by week three? Is he that needy and desperate that he needs to write every single day for a year, really? Even then, what do you write about after week two?
“Dear Allie, I worked on fixing my Dad’s house today. Have you got my letters? Noah xxxxxxxx”
“Dear Allie, Still working on my daddy’s house, saw a pretty bird today, Why haven’t you replied to my letters? Noah xxx”
“Dear Allie, Not much has changed since yesterday. Seriously why aren’t you writing back? Noah xx”
“BITCH ANSWER MY LETTERS – Noah”
And is Nicholas Sparks really trying to say that someone as good looking as Noah would not find some other girl he can inflict all his emotional baggage on to? Please.
Allie went about this whole thing the wrong way, she followed her heart where she should of went with her head. Maybe if she had looked at her relationships like an investment she would of realized that Lon was the one she would of went with. He was a lawyer of Southern money which would of came in handy when she was diagnosed with dementia, didn’t work out too well for you Allie did it?
What Nicholas Sparks fails to depict in his films is the awkward/nervous chat on first dates or the drunken phone calls where you make a tit of yourself, or deciphering the meaning of a facebook message. If life really was like a Nicholas Sparks film then I’d be married by this point with my second child on the way. You do not not meet your other half in a cafe when your eyes lock from across the room – bullshit, I call that a Wednesday and the look they give you is out of pity for sitting alone.
The truth is that it’s not just Nicholas Sparks that is polluting our minds with these false expectations of love. Everything from Disney to The O.C I call bullshit on, fairytale romances do not exist. For example Disney’s Sleeping Beauty was severely adapted to impose this idea of love upon us from an early age. The real ‘fairytale’ was that the prince could not wake up the princess so he left and married someone else, however the King stumbled across the princess’s lifeless body and he too was unable to wake her so he decided to rape her. She woke nine months later from the pain of child birth, that is love my friends. Case and point.
I used to believe life could really be like Nicholas Sparks film but then I woke up and smelled the shite. What he tells us is that if you’re ridiculously attractive and have abs of steel you can get away with being a pain in the arse. Now I walk away from these films with an overwhelming sense of “Dafuq?”.
Is the glass half empty in your approach to dating? Here’s some dating advice that will guarantee to change your outlook on love;
1. Adultery is a myth. No one really cheats, that’s just a lie made up by the Entertainment industry to make interesting stories.
2. Keeping feelings locked up and choosing to ignore them is bad. Making yourself vulnerable is good. You will not be emotionally scared from the inevitable rejection.
3. Someone will do a ‘Seth Cohen’ and stand on top of a coffee cart proclaiming their love for you because life can really be like a Nicholas Sparks novel.
4. Older men/women hitting on you is genuine. Just because they have been rejected by their own generation, the fact that they are interested in you makes you special.
5. Not having a type is a good thing. Those that try every fruit in the basket doesn’t mean that they’re sluts. It means they don’t discriminate, they have a greater appreciation for the opposite sex and have good people skills.
6. Breaking up in relationships is not inevitable. Using “have you ever been with someone you’v not broken up with” as an excuse is unjustifiable, contrary to their relationship history.
7. Rejection can be a good thing. Look on the bright side, It means you’ve experienced what it feels like to have someone think you aren’t good enough and you will never experience anything as emotionally scaring as that again in life (until the next possible interest comes along).
8. Public displays of affection can be endearing. They’re not just for entertaining black hearted folk like ourselves.
9. Once you see their flaws remember it’s not their defining attributes to their character. Try very, very hard to look past them, even if it’s all you can god dam see.
10. Remember soul mates are real. There really is a perfect match out there for you and not just someone you can stand to be around for more than a couple of hours a day.
Follow these 10 easy steps when meeting someone new and you’ll be dating in no time!