Dear Santa,

The festive season has begun which only means one thing,  it’s that time of year again where I send you my wish list. Before we get down to this year’s requests, I have a few bones to pick with you from last year’s list which you failed to deliver on.

Firstly, I think you misunderstood me in my last letter when I said I wanted to see more of John Barrowman in my life. I meant it in the way where maybe you could of set up some circumstances where we’d meet, face to face, and we would have some sort of love affair. Not in the kind of way where I see him prancing on top of a bus surrounded by giant teacakes. That hurt Santa, that hurt. I know he likes men but for some reason that isn’t squashing my feelings or desire for him.

I thought I made myself pretty clear last year. Under no circumstances did I want to see Bruce Forsyth on my TV screen ever again. So it baffles me to me read that Brucey is set to return for a strictly christmas special. Is this some sort of sick joke you’re playing on me? I know I’ve done a few things to put me on the naughty list this year but my punishment should not equate to suffering his cringe worthy presence. At least give him a better catch phrase that doesn’t make me immediately do a face palm, or even one that actually makes sense.

Now I don’t want it to sound like I’m being ungrateful but you’ve got to give me something to work with here. This year you’ve got to get your shit together Fred.

I don’t know what kind of leeway you have in our judicial system or if a few MP’s have been naughty this year you may have some power over them, which could come in handy with my first request. I want you to make it illegal for couples to post pictures or statuses of their christmas gifts from one another. Sentences could be harsher depending on the captioning or hashtags; 5-18 months for “Best boyfriend ever!”, 1-3 years for “Look what bae got me, love my bae so much”.
I don’t need that in my life, period.
Slap them with those sentences and Facebook would be a much happier place. They’re basically just announcing that they will be getting lucky that evening as I have no doubt in my mind that this possibility is a factor in deciding which present to buy. So the next time someone asks you to get them a Michael Kors bag for their girlfriend just hand them the tinder app, they’ll save a boat load of money and still receive the same result. More importantly, my newsfeed won’t look like the House of Fraser’s website.

Secondly, I need you to stop with the influx of burger restaurants in Glasgow. Seriously enough, my waistline can’t take anymore. My ass is still recovering from 2011’s Nando’s surge. You know I’m all about that bass but with Five Guys opening up soon I don’t know how much more it can take.

I would like a wifi kettle, no I need a wifi kettle. That is just the best invention I’ve ever heard of especially for the Scottish winters. No longer will I have to leave the warmth and comfort of my bed to walk downstairs into the freezing cold kitchen to wait while the kettle boils. Now that’s really not a lot.

I guess a job would be nice. You know the one that warrants the efforts of my education. Any job, anywhere will do, I’m not that fussy. If you fail to deliver this I fear that next years christmas list may only have one wish on it, to have a nicer street corner where I can pick up a wealthier clientele.
If not you can just pay for me to go back to the comfort of University or even better, you could somehow lessen the achievements of my friends. Therefore I won’t feel so inadequate in life when I’m five hours into a Netflix binge in the middle of a week day. Either or is fine, like I said I’m not fussy. Selfish maybe, but not fussy.

I would say I’ve been pretty good this year, lost a bit of dignity along the way but who hasn’t. All in all, I think I deserve everything that’s on my wish list. I’ve done my part now it’s time for you to suck it up and make up for last year’s performance.

Eagerly awaiting your arrival
– Helga.