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“In the regular world, halloween is a night where children dress up in costumes and beg for candy, in girl world, halloween is one night a year when a girl can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it. Unfortunately no one told me about the slut rule, so I turned up like this….” 

(If you can’t tell where this quote is from, we can no longer be friends) 

I’ve never understood people who don’t like Halloween as a) you get to dress up and b) people willingly give you free sweets, what’s not to like about it? But for me, it also brings back bitter memories of an experience that this quote brings much to close to home. 

The year was 2003, the night was cold and the mood was high filled with the excitement of underage drinking all too familiar with all hallow’s eve. Little did I know that this was the night where my public humiliation would begin. 

My good friend decided to have a halloween party, being american she doesn’t do things half assed meaning she rented a church hall and invited half of our year to it. It was the talk of the town in the weeks leading up to it and everyone was making their costume preparations well in advance. I, being my usual self, left getting a costume to the very last minute and was left with very little options in the fancy dress shop. 

Being a twelve year old I thought the most logical and appropriate costume would be to go as a ‘Vampire-ess’ and not the ‘naughty nurse’. Arriving at the party I soon realised that I had forgotten about the girl code of Halloween – the more skin the better. 

All I could see were girls dressed like cats or like Sandy from Grease, all wearing flattering ‘girly’ costumes that emphasised their cleavage. 
I…..I looked like Morticia’s fat cousin who had just escaped from a mental institution. Every single very inch of my body was covered by my long black dress and my hair was pulled so tightly into a high bun that I had a permanent look of shock on my face. I actually lost track of the amount of people who asked “what are you meant to be?”. 

To make things worse I don’t really bode well with heat and I was quite a sweaty child (if you’ve seen me at the gym then you’ll know I still am rather sweaty), my white face paint started to mix with the fake blood from my mouth and gathered down into the costume’s structured collar. As the night went on a pool of pink liquid formed in the collar’s seem. 

I was sex on legs. 

Now I know what you’re thinking, I’m ripping of Mean Girls here as a way of getting a few cheap laughs. I wish I was making this up, trust me. As every girl who calls them self a fan of Mean Girls will know that the film actually came out in April of 2004, therefore I could sue Tina Fey for ripping off an event in my life. I am at least owed royalties for that scene in the film as it couldn’t be any more accurate, every time I watch Mean Girls I am reminded of the horror of that night in 2003.

I like to think the emotional anxiety it caused was character building and looking back I laugh now, it’s a good conversation starter round about this time of year. But at the time all I wanted to do was cry and go eat my feelings. I understand now that Miranda really was right when she said: 

“The only two choices for women; witch and sexy kitten”

(If you don’t also know where this quote is from, then just get out my life now.)

It’s true, you’re either sexy or ugly on halloween. In an attempt to be truly funny, chances are your probably leaning on the ugly side, as you can’t be funny and sexy it just doesn’t happen. For example; ‘sexy slice of pizza outfit’ or ‘sexy big bird outfit’ – bitch please. Like it or not there’s nothing funny in a sexy costume, only a cry of desperation. 

If you can pull off doing a sexy halloween costume then go for it, just admit your more suited for a strip club. But hey who am I to judge, just because I can’t own being a sexy bunny like Regina George can doesn’t mean it’s wrong, just means I have to be more creative with my costumes. I’m thinking of Mr Blobby for 2014, too far?